the three times I wanted to kiss you, and the one time I got to.

i.
I'm wrapped up in a blanket and I feel really lonely for a pretty long time but then my laptop screen glows in the darkness of the night and it's you. The day has been awful and I wonder why you're here when you could literally be anywhere else but you're busy looking at me like I'm your only option and it breaks my heart a little. you say hi and you sit there and play a video game, pausing every once in a while to smile at me and although my mouth feels like it's sealed shut, the silence is eerily comforting. every once in while you look up and talk about all these characters in your RPG and how to play them but my brain filters out everything you're talking about; what sticks are your wry eyes and your forced smile. A part of me yearns to spend hours telling you how much this means to me, the other wants to scream at you until you run away but I'm too tired to do either so I just stare at you like you're my sun because you are. you are the only source of light in my tiny room of misery and darkness, literally and otherwise. I watch as you keep rambling but my eyes find themselves slipping and despite feeling like an absolute piece of crap I let myself have the audacity to think your lips would be a nice fit on mine but you're too far away and I feel like I don't deserve nice things so I just blink until everything looks hazy. we spend the next few minutes in silence as the tears make a mess while rolling down my face.

ii.
we laugh around at the cul-de-sac and as you wrap your arms around me I feel a surge of electricity rush through my skin. I look at you and I think I love you but we're having such a great time and I'm too scared to close the distance between us. maybe you're thinking about it too, maybe that's why your voice falls to whispers and you listen to me when I don't even know what I'm trying to say. and just like that, we let the echoes of our voices take over, we let it harmonize with our awkward beautiful laughter that follows when we realize that we can't even look right at each other anymore. I don't know what I want, I don't know if I'd rather stare at you and lose myself in those brown eyes that remind me of old bookshelves and coffee or if I want to close my eyes and soak up in your scent as I remind myself that this is real, god, you are real. I try to make a note of all the places of me that your skin is now acquainted to and I know that memory is a flimsy thing but I also know that my body won't have to remember you for long because your arms are wrapped around my waist like they were always supposed to be here.

iii.
running up the stairs this time and we're giggling for no good reason again but you and I have always been a little drunk on each other and I love that about us. we're always making faces and bickering like an old couple in front of people but in these lonely abandoned stairways you are mine and I am yours and our hands are curious. we walk up every few steps only to pause and hug each other and although I hate routines I think that I could make an exception for this one. one minute you're picking me up and lifting me like I weigh nothing in your hands and I am suddenly acutely aware of what flying feels like- but the next minute you're cupping my face and kissing me on my forehead and my whole body suddenly feels feeble but in a really really good way. our noses are touching and I can feel the warmth of your cheeks against my face and I think I want to press my lips to yours but I have an exam in an hour and I am sure that if I do this now I won't be able to stop any time soon. I don't know if I'm ready to sacrifice the world for you just yet.
(And when I spend the next couple hours thinking about you in the exam hall, it hits me that I already have.)

iv. (the first of many)
I almost leap out of the hall when the bell rings and this time I know exactly what I want. you're waiting outside for me as always and I'm dragging you back to those stairways where we almost kissed just hours ago because the thought of kissing you has been driving me crazy since and I'd much rather regret the things I do over the ones I don't. the journey back feels too long with too many obstructions on the way but when we get there I think I'm ready. we're hugging and laughing like we usually do but this time I pull down my inhibitions as I cup your face and tiptoe into you. my lips are first met with confusion and I'm almost ready to turn and run the other way and maybe never show you my face again but less than a second later everything instantly clicks— like the fitting of the final piece into a long overdue jigsaw puzzle and you're kissing me back. your lips aren't soft, they're firm and resolute and they want me too and you aren't just cupping my face- you're clasping onto me as though I'd fade out if you let go. I can feel myself getting breathless as you decorate me with butterfly kisses, pausing every couple of seconds only to call me a dumbass and I think I love this, I love you and I love us. kissing you is more than just a pretty feeling, it's an adrenaline hit that I know I won't ever get enough of and it literally aches when we finally have to let go but then I remember that I have a whole lifetime to appreciate you like this and I just cannot wait.